A Blogging Sabbatical

      It has been quite some time since I last posted.  Yesterday, a friend suggested I give my faithful readers an update.

      Things have been going well.  One great blessing is that I am spending more time and paying more attention to my family.  I now know my 4-year old’s favorite books.  I know my 7-year-old likes me to pitch the ball low and away.  My 14-year-old’s is tuning me into her favorite Christian artists.  My 16-year-old and I are reading the same book - The Christian’s Secret of a Happy Life by Hannah Whitall Smith.  In the past few weeks, my wife and I have been able to make some key parenting decisions - together.

       I’m now back preaching weekly.  Sermons which used to take about an hour (after research) to write have consumed closer to 10-15.  But, my wife says they are some of my best ones (thanks be to God).

       I’m also performing a range of other pastoral duties.  I send out e-mail devotions 4-5 times a week.  I’ve made a few hospital visits.  I did a home baptism service for twins who medically are not able to get out to church.  I have a funeral today.  Tomorrow, I’m meeting with a prospective member and visiting one of our home bound members.

      My concentration and appetite for reading has returned.  In addition to Whitall Smith, I’ve read works by John Ortberg, N.T. Wright, Timothy Keller, and Henri Nouwen.  The Varieties of Religious Experience  by William James rests on my night stand, taunting me should I become ambitious enough.  More likely, I’ll read a timely book I found while browsing the stacks of our local library - American Gospel: God, The Founding Fathers, and the Making of a Nation by Jon Meacham.

      Given recent actions by my denomination’s General Assembly, I am preparing for an onslaught of questions, concerns, griefs, and sorrows over the topic of sexuality and ordination.

      A good deal of my time is spent on my medical care.  In addition to weekly phone sessions with my psychiatrist, I see a therapist weekly.  He can be intense, which is good, and I’m often worn out after our sessions.  I also have weekly blood tests.

      I’ve managed to do all this (and more - like eat) within the 12-hour daily period in which I’m awake.  My medication is doing its job, but it knocks me out like a ton of bricks.  Last night I got up to go to the bathroom and my legs gave out.  I fell like a thud on the floor.  No permanent harm done, fortunately.

      So what about blogging?  I have to say not only have I not had the time, but I really haven’t had the desire.  I think Necessary Therapy kept me going through an unusually difficult (even volatile) period in my life.  I hope to come back to it with renewed vim and vigor. 

      For now, however, I’m going to take a blogging sabbatical and let the Lord lead me along other paths. 

      Thanks to all of you who have offered encouraging words, thoughts, and prayers.  May you be richly blessed as you have been a blessing to me.

      

A Good Marriage

          I stood there in front of God and all those witnesses, holding hands with the one who would become one with me.  It was time to say my vows, but I couldn’t.  I was shaking, my neck was quivering.  Tears streamed down my face.  I was utterly overwhelmed by the magnificent grace of someone willing to devote their life to me.

           Ultimately, the words came out and, over 16 years later, I can say my marriage has been  a marvelous blessing - more than that bawling 26-year-old could have imagined that day.  I can’t say my marriage has made me a better person.  In fact, it often reminds me how far short I fall.  Still, my marriage gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning and do what needs to be done.

          In an essay on The Odyssey, Wendell Berrry draws on the story of Odysseus and his marriage to Penelope.  Odysseus is captured as a sort of “love slave” by the goddess Kalypso.  Zeus orders Kalypso to set Odysseus free, but Kalypso resists.  Instead, she gives him the choice of staying with her and becoming immortal or returning to his wife and, ultimately dying.  Kalypso challenges him to think of how much better he might have it with her rather than with Penelope, but Odysseus responds -

          “My quiet Penelope - how well I know - would seem a shade before your majesty, death and old age being unknown to you, while she must die.  Yet, it is time, each day I long for home.”

          Wendell Berry writes - “Odysseus’ journey from the cave of Kalypso to the bed of Penelope is at once geographical and moral.”

          Odysseus doesn’t have to - he wants to - go home.  Such a journey is not just matter of course.  It requires that he willfully redirect his ship away from whatever creaturely comfort might be found beyond his marriage.  It requires that he throw caution to the wind and head home to Penelope, for whom his heart truly longs.

          If given the choice between marriage and immortality, I’m afraid most people today would leave marriage far behind.  In fact, it takes a lot less for many to forsake their marriages.  As often as not, people today break their marital bonds over far more fleeting pleasures.  They fail to see the benefits of maintaining God-given unity and oneness.  Instead of “forsaking all others”, they forsake the one human relationship that most gives life meaning and purpose.

          Marriage is a never-ending journey home.  In another essay, Berry writes -

          “The meaning of marriage begins in the giving of words and in joining ourselves to the unknown.” 

          There are no guarantees in life that any marriage will work out the way you want it to.  That’s not the important thing.  The important thing is not that it works out for us, but that we work out for it.

          Marriage is a great adventure.  If you should get on board, keep your head up.  Disregard those counter-vailing winds and always look to the horizon for the place called home.  

 

 

{first published May 9, 2007 in Necessary Therapy}

 

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more on marriage…

“My Woman”

“One Flesh”

“The Perfect Partner”

Read All About It

 

          I can read again!  Thanks be to God the chemicals in my brain are working together in such a way that I can read and understand more than just a paragraph or two at a time. 

          Just yesterday, I finished The Diary of a Country Priest by George Bernanos.  It was a good book to test my brain (with a generous portion of theological reflection in 1930s translated-from-the-French vocabulary and syntax), but I wouldn’t recommend it.  Apart from a few good quotes (such as this), it reads sort of like a 70-year old blog written by a relatively clueless, self-absorbed pseudo-intellectual trying unsuccessfully to avoid doing damage to himself and his flock.

         I’ve since moved on to Simply Christian: Why Christianity Makes Sense by N.T. Wright.  It serves as a refresher course for believers and a primer for skeptics.  I hope to have more to say about it within the next few days.

         With my brain cells as allies once again, I’m looking for good reading material to fuel my faith.  I went to a bookstore today and copied down some titles to check out further.  If you’ve read any of these, I’d love to hear what you thought of them.  And, if you have other recommendations, send them on.

 

John Calvin, Steward of God’s Covenant: Selected Writings (edited by John Thornton)

St. Francis of Assisi by G.K. Chesterton

Desiring God: Meditations of a Christian Hedonist by John Piper

The Life You’ve Always Wanted: Spiritual Disciplines for Ordinary People by John Ortberg

The Reason for God: Belief in an Age of Skepticism by Tim Keller

Father and Son: Finding Freedom by Walt and Matthew Wangerin

 

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more on books and reading…

 ”Will You Miss Me When I’m Gone?”

“The Catcher Was a Spy”

“Every Child is a Wanted Child”

A True Believer in Therapy

          I came to know “Wickle” from A True Believer’s Weblog when I began to blog about Mike Huckabee.  While he has been a staunch Huckabee supporter, he (and his blog) is about more than just politics.  What I most appreciate about his perspective is that he puts his faith first.  Recently, I had the chance to e-interview him:

 

Pistol Pete:  When did you start blogging and why? What are your hopes for your blog?

Wickle:       Let’s see … my first blog post was called “What Happened to the Originalists?” which I put on Blogspot. But I had all kinds of trouble with Blogspot, and a friend of mine (the WordPress user jesusfreek) clued me in to WordPress.

          I started blogging because I like to rant and to talk about issues – political, religious, whatever. I’m a news junkie and I like to discuss such things.

          I get very bothered, though, by people who profess a principle and then don’t believe in it. For example, some small-government conservatives aren’t bothered by the FBI’s abuse of “national security letters,” or some feminists aren’t bothered by pornography; anything along those lines tells me that people haven’t really thought through their positions. That’s part of how I came up with the name of the blog – A True Believer. When I say that I believe in something, I aspire to apply the principle in every case. If I don’t, then there should be a good reason – meaning a different principle that overrides it.

 

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PP:  Briefly share how you came to embrace faith in Christ.

 

 

W:   I was raised thinking that I was a good Christian, because I went to church all the time and read the Bible now and then, said my prayers before meals and before going to bed.

          I went to a supposedly-Christian college because it seemed like the right thing to do, and joined the Evangelical Bible study group on campus. It took me about two weeks to realize that I was in over my head. These people were casually discussing books that I’d always ignored (I, by the way, thought that when people were talking about Elisha that they were just pronouncing Elijah’s name incorrectly … I was that Biblically ignorant!). So, I started reading more and more of the Bible to try to catch up.

         Along the way, I realized that I’d have everything wrong. Being a Christian wasn’t about looking right, being right, going to church, and all of those externals. It’s about a deep and meaningful relationship with the real, personal Jesus Christ. It’s about being friends with the Creator of the universe … and at the same time holding Him in absolute awe.

          It was an amazing experience, going from something that I was doing on reflex, to an intellectual pursuit, to a powerful and life-changing revelation.

 

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PP:  What’s one of the most embarrassing things you’ve done?

 

           Hmmm … I really want to tell about the time in Mr. Beaudin’s 9th grade English class. I was reading a paper out loud, and not only dangled a preposition, but ended the entire essay with a dangling preposition. It’s a fun story, but everyone embarrassed him/herself in 9th grade, so that hardly counts.

          Instead … a few weeks ago I was in my worship minister’s office after our worship team rehearsal. He, another guy from the team, and I were talking about various things … and he said something utterly hilarious. I was laughing hysterically … and this combined with several things. I hadn’t slept well in a few nights, it was after 10pm, and I was recovering from a cold. All told, I actually lost consciousness.

          I passed out, right there on my worship minister’s office floor. He, no doubt in the spirit of Christian love, went on to tell this story to the worship team the following week.

 

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PP:  Now that Huckabee is out of the running, what would you like to see him do?

W:      You know, I suppose that this is a question I should be answering in therapy.

          Mike Huckabee found a lot of support from a massive number of Evangelicals and social conservatives who believe that we’re not taken seriously by the Republican party bosses and the established power brokers. He didn’t get support from a lot of Christian leaders, but he did get support from a lot of Christians.

          I’d like to see him lead a revamping of the so-called Religious Right. I’d like to see a group of Christians, active in politics, who aren’t afraid to talk about the environment, or global poverty, or race relations.

          Frankly, I’d like to see Mike Huckabee do for the Religious Right what Jim Wallis has done for the Religious Left. As he said, he doesn’t spell God “G-O-P.” I love that about him, and it’s why I supported him in his run. The Religious Right and Religious Left should have more in common with each other than either has with the Secular Right or Secular Left. That we don’t see it that way means that something is wrong. I’d like to see Gov. Huckabee as part of fixing that divide.

          Right now, his activities are more partisan than I would like. He is holding to his principles, and is only really working for Republicans who meet those standards, but I wonder what might happen when a pro-life Democrat comes up against a pro-choice Republican. HuckPAC has committed itself to helping secure Republican majorities in governorships and both houses of Congress. I really wish that I could get behind him more right now, but I just can’t get on board.

 

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PP:  Who are you supporting for President and why?

W:     I am backing Joe Schriner. The reason is that I love reading what he says, and the principles he espouses. Mr. Schriner lives and leads according to what he calls a Consistent Life Ethic. What that means is that on any question, he will come down on the side of life. Whether that means abortion, euthanasia, capital punishment, war, or environmental concerns, he is always pro-life.

          I don’t really agree with him on every single issue, but most of those on which I don’t agree are ones with which I’ve struggled a great deal. While I’m not philosophically opposed to capital punishment (I am against its use for practical reasons, though), I sometimes wonder whether I should be. I’ve wrestled with pacifism in much the same way.

          Joe Schriner travels the country looking for ideas that work, and helping bring them to other parts of the country. He’s a true believer, and I think he’s got what it takes to bring these principles to a wider scale. When I asked him questions, he unapologetically referred to Jesus and things that He said … and he called on us to apply those principles to life.

          The “What Would Jesus Do?” movement is popular and trendy, but suddenly gets dropped a lot of the time. Mr. Schriner talked about a minister who pointed to the border fence and asked, “What would Jesus do about that fence?” knowing that the difference between life in Ciudad Juarez and life on the other side of the border was like night and day.

 

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PP:  Have you ever thought run for or considered running for public office?

W:   Yes. I still do, now and then. Long ago, I dreamed of having a real political career. I have long since abandoned that idea, but I’ve thought about running for New Hampshire’s legislature a time or two, or maybe getting on a local school board, that kind of thing. I haven’t done it yet, but I keep thinking about it.

          I think that the biggest thing that kept me from running for the school board a couple years ago was simply the fear of rejection. Lame, I know. But I can imagine people looking at my resume and saying, “What a loser” and me getting trounced. Once I get over that, I’ll probably run for something.
 

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PP:  You’ve shared with me before some of your struggle through divorce, given your faith perspective. What would you want to say to Christians facing the prospect of divorce?

W:    Well, the first thing I should say to a Christian facing a divorce is: “I’m sorry I’m so slow about replying to e-mails.” But that might be a little bit more specific than you had in mind …

          First, I think that Christians facing this kind of thing need to pray about it and do what they can to prevent it. At the same time, don’t try to prevent it at all costs. I went to such lengths to try to prevent my divorce that I was emotionally beat down and had done and put up with things that I shouldn’t have.

          Second, please remember that God uses everything for good. It doesn’t mean that the process is good, pleasant, or even less than terrible. But it does mean that He is always in control over it.

          Third, keep friends close. I had a group of friends who were as close to me as family, and a few others who became invaluable. I knew two guys who had been through divorce … one I met in person and one I only knew via e-mail at that point … but their help and guidance were very important. These two guys, especially, helped me to remember that I could get through whatever was happening because I was supposed to rely on God’s strength, not my own.

          Beyond everything else, I want people to remember that this isn’t all that you are. I’m not just a divorcee. I’m a beloved son of God.
 

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PP:    Name something you like about your church and something you’d like to see changed.

W:       I love that my church has a good balance between our two-part purpose: “Bring ‘em in and build ‘em up!” We have very active local and global outreach, we do a lot with the local college campus, and such.

          We also use our small group ministry to build people up, and my pastor writes study guides to go with the sermon each week, so that people don’t just stay at that level forever. We encourage people to get involved in the church and grow with each other and God.

          As for something to change … I’d love to see in my congregation the same thing I’d like to see change in the Church as a whole, and in myself.

          I’d like to see more of us view Sunday morning services as an overflow from a week spent in worship, rather than refilling after a week spent on everything else. A lot of people have demands and expectations for what they want out of worship to serve them … when we’re supposed to be serving God.

          If we spent every day in worship, then we wouldn’t be looking to refill so much as gather and celebrate together what we’ve done all week.

 

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PP:  What character in the Bible can you most identify with and why?

 

W:       This is the kind of question that often bothers me. That and, “What’s your favorite Bible verse?” I’d have very different answers at different times.

           Having said that, I do have a plain answer this time … The Prodigal Son.

           I ran off from God, went my own way, and made a disaster of my life. But God brought me back and has given me more than I’d ever even imagined. I am very aware that God’s love doesn’t end or pause.

 

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PP:    What brings you joy as a father and what do you find most challenging?

 

W:        Seeing my kids grow and learn, watching them expand who and what they are, and knowing that they keep growing … I love that. It’s so much fun to see where the kids have been and where they are now. The blessing that this presents to me is amazing.

           As for the biggest challenge … it’s really dealing gracefully with the time I don’t have, and the opportunities that they don’t get because of it. My older son has only done Vacation Bible School once, and he lamented last year that it was too bad that the first time he got to do it was also the last … since he’s now too old. He can help out, but not this year … the negotiations with their mother (always a process and a half) mean that the boys have to miss VBS again this year. I hate to see how much they miss. I could elaborate, but then you’d probably have to give my ex-wife equal time or something.

 

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PP:  Thanks for spending time with us.  I really appreciate your perspective.

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more friends in Therapy….

“Laurie Kendrick (and God) Come to Therapy”

“Hope in Therapy”

“Got Fruit in Therapy?”

Back to Church

     I worshipped at my church today.  The first time in nearly 3 months.  It was a bit odd to sit in the pews and not be in the pulpit.  But it felt good to be surrounded by brothers and sisters in Christ who warmly embraced me.

     It was especially good to hear the Word brought to life in songs, litanies, readings, and (of course) the sermon.  The focus text was Exodus 33:12-17, the story of Moses and the LORD on Mt. Sinai.

 

 

      12 Moses said to the LORD, “You have been telling me, ‘Lead these people,’ but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said, ‘I know you by name and you have found favor with me.’ 13 If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people.”

 14 The LORD replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”

 15 Then Moses said to him, “If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. 16 How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?”

 17 And the LORD said to Moses, “I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name.”

          This is God’s promise to us, to all who have been adopted in Christ into God’s family.  We are distinguished not because of any greatness within us, but by the very Presence of the Lord among us.

          The service also included a baptism.  A teenage boy who has just started coming to church with his dad this year.  He has a very quiet spirit yet seems eager to grow in faith.

          Being the first Sunday of the month, we shared communion.  My head and heart were heavy, reflecting on my sins for which Christ died.

         One of the hymns we sung struck me as a sort of prayer I would carry throughout the week.  It’s called “Living for Jesus a Life That is True“.  The refrain goes like this -

 O Jesus, Lord and Savior, I give myself to Thee,
For Thou, in Thy atonement, Didst give Thyself for me;
I own no other Master, My heart shall by Thy throne;
My life I give, henceforth to live, O Christ, for Thee alone.

 

 

 

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more reflections on church…

“Piety and Pettiness”

“Why Go to Church?”

“A Good Temple Cleansing”

A Spiritual Transplant

          As many of you know, folk/country music (especially John Prine) has in many ways provided the sound track for a good portion of my life.  This music runs not just through my mind, but also through my blood.  The music of John Prine, Johnny Cash, Patsy Cline, George Jones and others can take to an old familiar place where I feel just as depressed and crazy, but less alone.

          I came to a decision this week, though, that I would undergo a musical blood transfusion.  With the help of one of my daughters, I replaced the folk/country music on my iPod with some Christian praise.  My hope is it will help lift me out of that state of sorrowful self-reflection into a place where I contemplate the goodness of God in the land of the living.

          While some Christian music can be a bit bland and polly-ana-ish, much of what I have now on my iPod are honest expressions of praise from wandering souls in an imperfect world.  A great example is this song my Andrew Peterson - 

 

 

Now and then these feet just take to wandering
Now and then I prop them up at home
Sometimes I think about the consequences
Sometimes I don’t

Well, I realize that falling down ain’t graceful
But I thank the Lord that falling’s full of grace
Sometimes I take my eyes off Jesus
And you know that’s all it takes

Well I wish that I could say that at the close of every day
I was happy with the way that I’m behaving

‘Cause Job, he chased and answer
The wise men chased the Child
Jacob chased her 14 years and he
Captured Rachel’s smile
Moses chased the Promised Land
Joseph chased a dream
David, he chased God’s own heart
All I ever seem to chase is me

Well, they say a race can only have one winner
And you know you’ve got to pull out front to win
God knows the only time I’m winning
Is when I’m chasing Him

Well I wish that I could say that at the close of every day
I was happy with the way that I’m behaving

‘Cause Samson chased a woman
and he chased the Philistines
I’m not quite sure what Jonah chased
But I know he caught the sea
Cain, he chased the harvest
While Abel chased the beasts
David, he chased God’s own heart
All I ever seem to chase is me
And Jesus chased the moneymen
And he chased his Father’s will
He chased my sin to Calvary
And he caught it on that hill
Saul, he chased the Christians
Till his blindness made him see
David, he chased God’s own heart
All I ever seem to chase is me

 

          One of these days I’m going to stop chasing myself and let the goodness and mercy of the Lord catch up with me.

 

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more musical reflections…

“To Beat the Devil”

“As Good as Forgotten”

“Sunday Morning Coming Round”

A New (and Improved) Therapist

         I went to see a new therapist yesterday.  Even before my first appointment, he impressed me as unique (in a good way).  He asked me to send a brief life history and include therapeutic goals.  He said this would help him better prepare and save us valuable in-session time.

         He took us in right on time.  After exchanging a few pleasantries, he turned to me and asked if I would hold my wife’s hand and pray.  I was caught off-guard at first, but felt assured that he would use my faith as central to the healing process.

          For the first half hour or so, he had me flesh out some of the stuff in my bio.  He involved my wife (whom he endearingly referred to as “your bride”).  He demonstrated a keen ability to identify issues not named, but just below the surface of my written bio.  It was clear he had not only read what I had written, but had reflected on it deeply and gained much spiritual discernment.

         About half way through the session, he shifted gears.  He leaned forward and began to tell me some details of his faith journey.  With tremendous spiritual energy, he described how God had led him through terribly dark valleys.  In poignant detail, he gave us a glimpse of how Christ became his Mighty Savior.  He then went on to offer some of what he does on a daily basis to keep walking in the light of Christ. 

         What impressed me most is that he shared his story with a great deal of humility and compassion, as well as spiritual vitality.  He kept using one phrase - “sanctified imagination” to describe how he keeps his thoughts centered on God in prayer in the face of mental attacks from the enemy. 

          As he spoke, I felt the ache in my stomach I often have in therapy (and other times) being lifted.  I felt some hope that I had finally found someone who could not only help me identity the demons gripping me, but who could, through the power of the Holy Spirit, set me free.

          After giving me some devotional homework, he wrapped up with an encouraging prayer, again asking me to ”hold your bride’s hand.”  I’m not sure what he said during the prayer.  I only know that as I left his office and went outside, the sun seemed a little brighter, the breeze more pleasant, the look on my wife’s face more loving.

          I know I’ve got a lot of healing to do, but I feel like I can finally answer Christ’s question - “Do you want to be well?”

          ”Yes, Lord.  I want to be well.  Please give me the desire to pursue healing and the strength to do what it takes to become the husband, father, and pastor you’ve created me to be.”

 

 

more on my mental health journey…

“10 Reasons to Leave Your Psychiatrist”

“My Psychiatrist is an Idiot”

“How God Works”

Strong Doubts

          Longing for a Holiday at Sea has a thoughtful post called, “Doubting At Last”.  She writes - 

           “I’ve never in my entire Christian life doubted. Since I was a kid, I have always been completely sure of what I believe. Of course, I questioned and revised some of my ideas about doctrine and interpretations of Scripture over time, but I never for once doubted that God existed, that the Bible was from and of God, that Jesus was who the Bible revealed Him to be. Until now. Well, sort of. These thoughts come and go.”

 

          I can really appreciate this.  Though I’ve never doubted the existence of God, I still have doubts.  My doubts have been more about my relationship with God.  Am I a genuine Christian?  Or, am I one who says, “Lord, Lord,” but does not know Him?
          There have been times in my life where I have intentionally tried to distance myself from God, for various reasons.  Like Jonah, I’ve resisted doing things God wants me to do.  Like Elijah in the cave, I’ve hid from responsibilities God has placed on me.  Like King Saul, I have sought worldly counsel instead of accepting divine guidance.

          I’m going through a season of doubt as I write this.  Battling the demons of mental illness, I came to believe my life was without value, that the world would be better off without me.  Fortunately, God rescued me from this abyss and prevented me from taking my life.

          I have no doubt now that God has a purpose for me.  Though I still have self doubts, I have  hope.  My prayer is that God would use even my doubts to accomplish his will.
 

I like what British author Elizabeth Goudge once wrote -

 

          “Faith given back to us after a night of doubt is a stronger thing, and far more valuable to us than faith that has never been tested.”

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more on faith and doubt…

“Faith in the Flesh”

“The Best Way to Live”

“Clarence Jordan and Koinonia”

From the Belly of the Whale

          As I was browsing the stacks at a local library, I came upon a book of collected poems by May Sarton.  My eyes fell on one entitled “From the Belly of the Whale”.  Feeling a lot like Jonah lately, I dove right in.

 

    

I came back from the belly of the whale
Bruised from the struggle with a living wall
Drowning in a breathing dark, a huge heartbeat
That jolted helpless hands and useless feet.

Yet know it was not death, that vital warm
Nor did the monster wish me any harm
Only the prisoning was hard to bear
And three weeks’ need to burst back into air…

Slowly the drowned self must be strangled free
And lifted whole out of that inmost sea
To lie newborn under compassionate sky
As fragile as a babe, with circling eye.

Do not be anxious, for all is well
The sojourn over in that fluid Hell
My heart is nourished on no more than air
Since every breath I draw is answered prayer.

 

 

          Brushing back the salt water from my eyes, I took a deep breath and smiled.  I have a job to do. And it would get done.  By God.

 

{first published April 21, 2007 in Necessary Therapy}

 

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more poetical reflections…

“A Good Rest”

“An Angel of Light”

“The Death of Success”

To Beat the Devil

      As a preacher, I peddle words.  Good words.  Hopeful words.  With some help, the words come together and reflect the Word God sent to live among us and show us the Way.

      It’s hard to know, though, just what impact words have.  As a preacher.  Or a blogger.  We just put them out there and pray God will work His wonders and something good will come of it.

      It’s easy to grow discouraged when our words seem to have no effect.  Kris Kristofferson has a great song - “To Beat the Devil” - that can pick us up when it seems our words fall on deaf ears: 

 

 

It was winter time in Nashville, down on music city row
and I was looking for a place to get myself out of the cold, to warm
the frozen feeling that was eating at my soul, and keep the chilly
wind off my guitar; my thirsty wanted whiskey, my hungry needed
beans; but it’d been a month of pay days since I’d heard that eagle
scream; so with a stomach full of empty and pocket full of dreams
I left my pride and stepped inside a bar (actually I guess you’d
call it a tavern). Cigarette smoke to the ceiling and sawdust on the
floor.

Friendly shadows. I saw that there was just one old man sitting
at the bar; and in the mirror I could see him checking me with my
guitar; he turned and said “come up here boy and show us what you
are”. I said “I’m dry” and he bought me a beer. He nodded at my
guitar and said “It’s a tough life ain’t it?” I just looked at him
and he said “You ain’t making any money, are you?” I said “You’ve
been reading my mail”. He just smiled and said “Let me see that
guitar: I got something you ought to hear”. Then he laid
it on me…..

[If you waste your time a-talking to the people who don't listen
to the things that you are saying who do you think's going to hear?
And if you should die explaining how the things that they complain about
are things they could be changing, who d'you think's goin' to care?

There were other lonely singers in a world turned deaf and blind who
were crucified for what they tried to show,
And their voices have been scattered by the swirling winds of time,
'cause the truth remains that no-one wants to know!]

Well, the old man was a stranger, but I’d heard his song before;
back when failure had me locked out on the wrong side of the door; when
no-one stood behind me but my shadow on the floor and lonesome was more
than a state of mind. You see, the devil haunts a hungry man; if you
don’t want to join him you’ve got to beat him. I ain’t sayin’ I beat the
devil, but I drank his beer for nothing, and then I stole his song!

And you still can hear me singing to the people who don’t listen
to the things that I am saying, praying someone’s going to hear;
And I guess I’ll die explaining how the things that they complain about
are things they could be changing, hoping someone’s goin’ to care.

I was born a lonely singer and I’m bound to die the same
But I’ve got to feed the hunger in my soul;
And if I never have a nickel I won’t ever die of shame
’cause I don’t believe that no-one wants to know!

 

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more musical reflections…

“Sunday Morning Coming Round”

“Beating the Blues”

“A Shrine to John Prine”

Bleeding Hearts

     Growing up, there was a boy in my school - Brian Foley - who walked with a severe limp.  I never knew for sure what his condition was, but I think he had a bad case of “Muscular Dystrophy”. 

     What I do know for sure is that the neighborhood kids treated him like garbage.  They would push him over (which wasn’t difficult to do) and then laugh as he tried to get up.  They would take his hand as if to help him, then let go and watch him fall to the ground again.

     I felt bad for Brian, but I didn’t do much (if anything) to help him.  I didn’t want to be known as the friend of a cripple.  I would pray about him on Sunday in the confines of church, but I would ignore him through the week on the playground.

     John Prine reflects on someone much like Brian in his song - “Billy the Bum”.

 

 

Billy the Bum
© John Prine

Billy the bum lived by the thumb
And sang of the hobo’s delight
He’d prove he could run
Twice as fast as the sun
By losing his shadow at night
Now he loved every girl
In this curly headed world
But no one will know it seems
For two twisted legs and a childhood disease
Left Billy just a bum in his dreams

Chorus:
And he was just a gentle boy
A real florescent light
Cried pennies on Sunday morning
Laughed nickels on Saturday night
And your bullets they can’t harm him
Nor your knives tear him apart
Humiliation killed him
God bless his little heart

Now he lived all alone
In a run down home
Near the side of the old railroad track
Where the trains used to run
Carrying freight by the ton
And blow the whistle as Billy’d wave back
But the children around Billy’s home town
Seemed to have nothin’ better to do
Then run around his house
With their tongues from their mouth
And make fun of that crippled old fool

(Repeat chorus)

Now some folks they wait
And some folks they pray
For Jesus to rise up again
But none of these folks
In their holy cloaks
Ever took Billy on as a friend
For pity’s a crime
And it ain’t worth a dime
To a person who’s really in need
Just treat ‘em the same
As you would your own name
Next time that your heart starts to bleed

(Repeat chorus)

     If you want to be like Christ, get out there and get to know folks like Brian and Billy.  Get to know the “bums” of the world rather than just feel angry when they get called that.  Don’t feel sorry for them.  Just be their friends.

 

{first published May 7, 2007 in Necessary Therapy}

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more reflections on John Prine music….

“A Shrine to John Prine”

“John Prine at Carnegie Hall”

“As Good as Forgotten”

What Am I Doing Here?

 

 {first published March 29, 2007 in Necessary Therapy}

         

 

          I’m having a lot of fun with this blog.  It’s great to hear from so many people who are having fun with it as well.    Today, however, I want to share with you some of  the “method of my madness.”

          As some of you have figured out, I serve as a pastor of a church on Long Island.  Apart from my pastoral work, the thing I most enjoy is writing and being read.  Through the magic of the Internet, I’ve lately discovered that the two can come together in an effort to “do church” in a new way. 

          E-communication allows us to tell “the old,old story of Jesus and His love” in a new way so people today can understand and respond.  I’m not the first to discover this, of course.  There are many other bloggers doing ”cyber-ministry” (and doing it much better than me).

          Perhaps what is somewhat unique about my approach is that I’m also drawing from my experience  of being in recovery from addiction and treatment within group and individual therapy.  I’ve found that I can be most authentic when I look at my struggles/sins first in a quasi-confidential manner (hence, “Pistol Pete”).  Then, in God’s own time, “come out”.  I consider this an extension of step #12 in recovery -  “Having had a spiritual awakening, we seek to carry these principles to others in all our affairs.”

          If Christianity is going to survive (and even thrive), it must first be self-reflective (confessional), then ”speak the truth in love”  in a wide range of ways (including humor).  Professor N.T. Wright says in his article  “The Bible For the Post-Modern World” –

 

     “…. the leading edge of the whole culture, articulating in story and music and art and philosophy and education and poetry and politics and theology and even, heaven help us, biblical studies, a worldview which will mount the historically rooted Christian challenge to both modernity and postmodernity, leading the way into the post-postmodern world with joy and humour and gentleness and good judgment and true wisdom.”

          That about sums it up.  I’m trying to have fun as a saint who is a sinner in the hands of an angry yet forgiving God. 

          That, and I’m a self-serving blogger looking for hits to feed my ego.

 

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more about blogging…

 

“7 Leaven in ‘07″

“Events and Pseudo-Events”

“A Divine Scribe Comes to Therapy”

 

 

 

 

The Makings of a Great Blog

          Lately I’ve lacked the creative energy to do much writing.  I have, however, been doing a lot of reading.  I’ve been searching the blogosphere for signs of new life.  Along the way, I’ve stumbled onto some great reads.  Check out my freshly updated “Referrals (a.k.a. Blogroll)”.

          With millions of blogs out there, it can be hard to find those worth reading.  What makes for a great blog?  Here is some of my criteria and some good examples of bloggers doing it right.

 

 

1)  Balance words with visuals.

 

          Got Fruit? nestles deep Biblical truths with well-chosen catchy illustrations.     Murphy Klasing’s Conservative Blog consistently features photos as funny as the stories behind them.  Dr. X’s Free Association couples in-depth explorations of psychological terrain with fun vintage photos.

 

2)  Have your own distinct voice.        

 

 

          Julie Clawson of one hand clapping  provides distinctive analysis of post-modern living in such a way that I can almost see her lips moving in her photo.  Shahrazad uses her English (as a second language)beautifully to highlight Iranian and Muslim culture.  Jemila in Quirky Grace Coaching  serves up blessings and well as challenges often in a single succinct sentence.

 

3) Don’t preach.  Testify.

 

    

 

          Though his moniker might have you think otherwise, Real Live Preacher shares faith through simple stories.  Another Think delves into world events with a keen eye for the Spirit of Christ.  Crooked Shore finds God being revealed in a vast array of places.

 

4)  Have fun.

 

 

         Laurie Kendrick is, in my mind, the queen of comedic bloggers.  You don’t have to be funny to have fun, though (and if you’re not funny, don’t try to be - please).  Sonja at Calcacirian deals with serious subjects without taking herself too seriously.  By just being herself, Hope of Hope Lounge offers a nice place to hang out and enjoy being yourself.

 

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What do you think makes for a great blog?

Send in the name of one of your favorite blogs and share what makes it great.

 

 

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more on blogging…

“Blogging and Depression”

“American Idiot Winner”

“Getting the Pistol Out: Pete Gets Psyched”

Hope in Therapy

          Some months ago I was led into a deep e-discourse about heaven and hell with a bright young woman named Hope from Hope Lounge.   I found her to be so refreshingly honest and searching that I’d invite her into Therapy and share her with you.

 

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Pistol Pete:  When did you start blogging and what motivated you to do so?

Hope:   Probably somewhere around 2005 I started some small blogging. It wasn’t anything fascinating or anything, I just liked to be able to look back and see my thoughts as the days went by. I started off basically it just being a journal (basically my only motivation), and slowly…as I learned more about blogging I have tried to elevate myself into actually attempting to get some, if any, publicity or making people want to maybe slightly want to read my blog.

 

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Pistol:  Name three of your favorite movies.

Hope:  OH! Wow…thats tough. I’m such a movie person.

     1) The Lion King is definitely my all time favorite movie.
     2) Tommy Boy: There is no way I can not laugh in it….absolutely hilarious. Chris Farley was the man.
     3) August Rush? I dunno…thats a tough one. August Rush I personally thought was a great movie,    but that’s probably just showing a bit of my nerdy band side.

 

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PP:  You say you love music - who are some of your favorite artists/performers?”

Hope:  That’s such a broad question, I could sit here for hours. My favorite composer is Frank Tichelli. His best piece (in my opinion) is of course An American Elegy. If you haven’t heard it and you like orchestra type stuff, check it out. I am definitely a huge Eric Clapton, The Beatles, Shinedown, Rascal Flatts, Led Zeppelin, and Van Halen fan… I’ll stop right there with that though.

 

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Pistol:  You call yourself “An Agnostic Seeker”.  What do you mean by that?

Hope:  It’s actually pretty simple. I don’t know if there is a God or not (Agnostic) but I am constantly seeking to figure out/decide whether or not there is one or not. Honestly, the more and more I ponder it the more and more confused I get. There are a lot of things that really and truly support both sides…I’m just basically a deer in headlights on whether or not I really and truly feel there is a god or not. But the term “Agnostic Seeker” in of itself is really simple and not as complex as some might think.

 

 

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Pistol:  I really enjoyed your post - “A Prayer, A Movie, and a Thought“.  Can you describe what happened and how this impacted your view of God.

Hope:  Well Pistol, it started off with a prayer. My boyfriend, John, has been really trying to get me to believe in God lately and so he had me pray with him because he could see that all of my thoughts were so jumbled around…that I was clearly confused. So in short, he held me tight and prayed for me because by no means was I going to pray for myself. And after that prayer…I’d always had this “weird” feeling about me. It really made me feel odd and I wasn’t sure how to respond to it. So, I didn’t.

     Next came the movie. John and I went and saw the movie Expelled and found it fairly intriguing.

 

 

     I don’t think the purpose of the movie by any means was to convince people of the fact that there may be an Intelligent Designer…but it surely made me go down that thought process. It really just seemed to click in my head that it only made sense for there to have been something that originally created (intelligently designed) the original form of life. No, no…I don’t mean in the Biblical sense where God created everything in 6 days, but I mean the original cell, or energy that began the process of evolution. It only makes sense…I mean, where else could that have came from?

     But then of course the question comes into place: Well…then…where did god/that creator come from? And well, I don’t have an answer to that question, which of course, has brought me back to the same ‘ol confusion as before.

Pistol:  What do you now imagine God to be?

Hope:   That’s a tough question. I don’t know if I really think you can have personal connections with god. To me, if he does exist, it would seem that it/he is merely a “thing” (I mean, what do you call god?) that somehow created us.  Clearly, I am still very confused.

 

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Pistol:  You’ve written some about prayer and its impact on you.  How does prayer affect you?  What do you see as the purpose of prayer?

Hope:  Prayer is a rough area for me. As I said before, I’m not sure you can have a personal relation, discussion, etc. with god. Every time that I am engaged in prayer, I will admit, it makes me feel weird…and that term “weird” is very broad because I can’t find a word to describe what I feel when engaged in a prayer.  When I do pray, I’m usually trying to comfort myself in some way. Almost as if I’m talking to myself telling myself that everything will be ok.

Pistol:  Well, Hope, I really appreciate your thoughtful responses.  I’m going to pray that God lead you along your special path, that you come to know the Way to abundant life - forever.

 

 

meet some other friends in Therapy….

“Laurie Kendrick (and God) Come to Therapy”

“A Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy in Therapy”

“Longing for a Holiday in Therapy”